1. INTRODUCTION:
What signals the end to carefree summer vacation for kids, a beginning of more free time for stay-at-home parents of young children and rhymes with "Shmeptember?"
a) School
b) September
c) The Baby-Eating Bishop of Barston-Welles
d) Schooltember
2. BASICS:
The wheels on the bus go...
a) Oink oink oink
b) Round and round
c) Snap, crackle, pop
d) Inexorably towards their destination in spite of dozens of passengers hoping for the opposite
3. SPELLING:
I before E, except after...
a) vowels
b) C
c) 4 p.m.
d) their weird protein science
4. ENGLISH:
Fill in the blank: "I am a little disappointed in ____performance."
a) you're
b) your
c) yore
d) the ever-increasing trend of politics as
5. MATH:
Mrs. Lovett is a baker who wants to sell pies. She starts the day with two dozen pies. If one customer comes to buy half of her pies, and then another customer comes to buy half of her remaining pies, and then another customer comes and wants one pie for free, how many pies does Mrs. Lovett have left?
a) 6
b) 5
c) 3.14159
d) Probably four or five
6. HISTORY:
Who was responsible for the rise of the Ottoman Empire?
a) George Washington
b) Osman I
c) Otto Mann
d) Dick Van Dyke
7. GEOGRAPHY:
A train leaves Chicago at midnight heading west at 60 miles an hour. Two hours later, a train leaves Seattle heading east at 50 miles an hour. Three hours later, a train leaves Atlanta heading north at 40 miles an hour and another train leaves Detroit heading south at 70 miles an hour. At what time will the trains meet?
a) 8:37
b) They won't ever meet, because they're not all headed toward each other.
c) Whenever the train party is. Choo-choo!
d) Giant four-train pile-up o'clock
8. MULTI-DISCIPLINARY:
Of the following five subjects, witch one would not have improved this question if the author had taken the time to study it?
a) Math
b) History
c) English
d) All of the above -- the question is perfect.
9. COLLEGE PREP:
What do you need to get into a really good college?
a) Good handwriting
b) A high GPA and high SATs
c) A 60th-level mage, an epic mount and battle armor.
d) A crowbar and a lockpick
10. CRITICAL THINKING:
People often say "Young people are the future." What conclusion can be drawn from this?
a) Old people are the past.
b) Education is important because today's children will be in charge in a few decades.
c) An elixir of reverse aging will soon be discovered to allow us eternal youth.
d) People often repeat meaningless platitudes when they have nothing insightful to say.
Score your quiz by placing your index finger between your lips and moving it swiftly up and down while humming. If the resulting sound matches your answers, you pass! Otherwise, try humming differently until your answers match.
Seth Brown is an award-winning humor writer, the author of "Rhode Island Curiosities" and generally quizzical. His column appears weekly in the Transcript, and weakly on his Web site, www.RisingPun.com.
Font Resize
