So last weekend, I went to see the new "Star Trek" movie. It was, all things considered, fairly entertaining and fast-paced. I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it, aside from saying that Rosebud was Kirk's boyhood spaceship, and that Spock kills Dumbledore.
However, one thing slightly irksome about the plot was how predictable it was. Now granted, this particular movie is set before all the rest of Star Trek, and so we know what's coming in the future: Captain Kirk making out with lots of green women, and an endless supply of "aliens" who all look like humans with different skin tones and various forehead bumps.
Even if this wasn't a Star Trek movie, though, it wouldn't be hard to figure out what's going to happen. You've got a motley crew, fighting for the forces of good, going up against the forces of evil. Since this is a movie, the good guys are going to win.
And you've got a serious do-things-by-the-book commander and a hotshot renegade whiz kid who is great at what he does but never follows the rules. A background of dubious morality is easily forgiven, and in spite of disobeying an order from his superior officer, our renegade hero saves the day.
I'm bored with that. I'm sick of these movie tropes where everything goes exactly the way it's supposed to, where the good guys always win, where a little pluck goes a long way and where people who have determination and never give up will inevitably end up achieving everything they
Here are the movies I want to see:
* A young boy is told by his parents not to wander into the forest because it is a dangerous place. The boy is bored with his home life and seeking adventure, so he ignores his parents, wanders into the forest anyway, falls into a pit, breaks his leg and starves to death.
* A young girl goes out exploring and finds a large and magical creature. The townsfolk all tell her it is dangerous and evil, but she believes the creature is simply misunderstood and wants to be friends. She goes to the creature with food and offers to help it. The creature kills and eats her.
* A rag-tag team of misfits joins up and creates a sports team with a lot of heart, and they plan to compete in a league of players who take the game more seriously, are in better shape and practice much more. Astoundingly, they manage to win all of their pre-season games, and so they are encouraged entering the season, whereupon they lose every game horribly because these kids are not very good at sports.
* A young man on a quest to avenge his parents' death finds an ancient sage who was formerly a master of the martial arts. The ancient sage trains the young man for years, until the young man feels he is finally ready to hunt down his parents' killer. Upon entering the villain's stronghold and announcing, "I am here to avenge my parents!" the man is immediately shot and killed.
Better yet, the hero comes across the villain's hideout, and the villain says, "If you want to face me, you'll have to deal with my henchmen first." A few thugs dressed in identical outfits come out and swiftly kill the hero.
Better yet, the hero has a group of sidekicks with sidearms, and they're all firing across the room at a few of the villain's henchmen. The henchmen manage to shoot and kill every single one of the heroes because these henchmen are excellent marksmen, as you would expect from someone whose job is shooting and killing people.
* And finally, during a combat operation, the over-serious commander issues an order that his squad should proceed in a regulation manner. The hotshot renegade says, "I've got to go with my gut!" and makes a risky decision with a slim chance of saving everyone. The renegade is immediately killed during his stupid stunt, and the commander shakes his head and says, "Stupid kid ... Life isn't like the movies."
Seth Brown is the author of "Rhode Island Curiosities," the creator of GodToVerse.com, and is as predictable as your average action movie. His column appears weekly in the Transcript and weakly on his Web site, www.RisingPun.com.
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