40,000 BC: Gronk and Thag hit each other until one man fall down and not get up.

39,997 BC: Gronk and Thag discover tools, hit each other with rocks until one man fall down and not get up.

39,996 BC: Thag hit Gronk with rock very hard; Gronk never get up again. Other cavemen less interested in play sport game with Thag.

39,560 BC: Sport streamlined to avoid death. Instead of throw rocks at each other, cavemen throw rocks at passing tiger until tiger fall down and not get up. Caveman who kill tiger is winner.

39,200 BC: Argument breaks out over whether Dag's final rock kill tiger, or whether Lokar's previous mighty rock throw actually kill tiger. Dag and Lokar disagree, briefly revert to last decade's classic rules. Dag not get up.

Refereeing invented, so there will be impartial judge to help decide future disagreements.

39,199 BC: Argument breaks out over whether Moktan's final rock kill tiger, or whether Gorp's previous mighty rock throw actually kill the tiger. Moktan and Gorp disagree, so referee is asked. Referee says tiger was alive before both rock throws, dead after both throws, so Moktan and Gorp both winners. Cavemen dissatisfied, so tiebreaker invented. Moktan and Gorp both throw rocks at referee until referee fall down and not get up. Caveman who kill referee is winner.

39,198 BC: Due to referee shortage, sport is changed to require fewer tiebreaks. Each caveman gets own tiger to throw rocks at. First caveman to kill tiger

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wins.

31,000 BC: Natural selection for clever tigers has taken place, and one caveman can no longer single-handedly defeat a tiger. Cavemen form teams to throw rocks at tigers; first team to kill tiger wins.

22,707 BC: Due to tiger shortages, sport teams decide to add more challenge and let one man from the opposing team defend the tiger.

13,450 BC: Dwindling tiger population continues. To forestall tiger extinction, teams agree only to kick rocks at tigers with their feet. The tiger defenders, now called "Tigeries," may still use hands to defend the tigers.

7,213 BC: Tiger shortages devastate the sport world. Wooden tigers are constructed as replacements.

4,213 BC: After 3,000 straight years of scoreless games, it is agreed that small, unmoving tigers are far too easy to defend. Rules are changed to require giant wooden tigers many times larger than a man.

2,400 BC: Recession prevents adequate tiger construction. Rules changed to allow large wooden tiger outline, with net in center to catch rocks kicked at tiger.

1,700 BC: Cut-rate tiger outline company offers unbeatable savings, outprices all competitors. New outlines look suspiciously like rectangles.

1,004 BC: Japanese sport legend Ouchi Hurtamito demands that rock be replaced by leather ball filled with hair. Foot injuries decrease. Some people begin playing game wearing only socks. Sport renamed.

255 BC: Han dynasty sport legend Yang Li plays tigerie position for 12 years without letting a single ball through the tiger. Crowd cheers, "Go Li! Go Li!" Tigerie position renamed in his honor.

1681 AD: The Duke of Albemarle prides himself on being a classic sport fan. He asks his butler and butcher to play a match by the original 40,000 BC rules, while standing in a box. Classic sport renamed.

1753 AD: Aristocracy members find their faces too delicate for box-fighting or sock-kicker. They change rules to include hitting a ball with a stick, and then running home to their fortified base before anyone can hurt their faces.

1860 AD: British soldiers stationed in Canada invent a new sport by fusing the stick-hitting of the aristocratic sport with the tiger-outline-seeking of sock-kicker. Being in Canada, the sport is played on ice.

1865 AD: Ball on ice never stops, is replaced by flat puck for players to hack at. Sport renamed.

1890 AD: The great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of Duke Albemarle demands more classic sport be added to the current sport craze. "Hackey" rules altered to allow for box-fighting mid-game.

1900 AD: Box-fighting emerges as the most popular part of Hockey. Becomes its own sport again, has name shortened.

2000 AD: Boxing fades in popularity as Ultimate Fighting becomes more popular. Two men hit each other until one man fall down and not get up.

Seth Brown is the author of "Rhode Island Curiosities," the creator of GodToVerse.com, and supports the Marquess of Queensbury. His column appears weekly in the Transcript and weakly on his Web site, www.RisingPun.com.