I don't play cards for money. This surprises some people who know that I am a gamer by nature, constantly playing board games, card games and whatever other types of games I can find in the offering.
But one game I won't play is poker, where I have to put up my own money. Another game I won't play is Five-card Rabid Weasels Down Your Pants. My reasoning in both cases is similar: I can't really afford to lose much, and while I could afford to lose a little, it would be unpleasant.
Of course, not being able to afford a loss rarely stops people from gambling. The people least able to afford a loss often continue to gamble precisely because they really need a win. Sadly, the odds are against them. There's a reason they say that lottery tickets are a tax on people who are bad at math.
Actually, the government should have a separate tax on people who are bad at math. They should have to pay an overall 12 percent income penalty, split between 8 percent to the state, and 8 percent to federal. And they could have a 2 percent tax on milk and a 99.44 percent tax on Ivory soap. That would really raise the bar.
But I don't want to get into a list of various things that should be taxed (people whose car alarms constantly go off, people who don't clean up after their dogs, people who write predictable lists). I want to talk about gambling and how jealous I am of people who gamble and win money.
Because we all want to be those people. Like the group from MIT
Sadly, we're not those people.
Instead, we're average folks who aren't likely to gamble a whole lot because if we do we're likely to lose a whole lot. Which means most of us tend to keep our gambling confined to lottery tickets, friendly poker games and the occasional casino trip. And maybe drinking North Adams water straight from the tap.
But we actually have a whole slew of casino games that we play all the time. You may just not realize it. Here are some of my favorites:
Jackblack -- The object of the game is to consume as much media featuring Jack Black as possible, without going past the point where he is funny. For example, you could watch old Mr. Show episodes and then School of Rock, but as soon as you watch Nacho Libre, you lose.
Craps -- Will the toilet get clogged again this time? Or will everything pass through the pipes with no trouble? You can bet on pass, or don't pass, but you lose if you roll a big number 2.
KeyNo -- You find while cleaning your house a random series of keys that come in various shapes and sizes. The goal of the game is to match one of the keys to a lock somewhere in the house or on an object in your possession.
Rulette -- I am convinced that clothing fashion is determined by spinning a wheel and randomly deciding what the style rules are for the month. Random rules like "don't wear white after Labor Day" seem to come up frequently. I've been betting on denim jackets for years, but they've only come up a few times.
Backarat -- This popular game is played every time you go to the voting booth. There's no question: Voting is a gamble.
Seth Brown is the author of "Rhode Island Curiosities," the creator of GodToVerse.com and likes movies with scenes at casinos. His column appears weekly in the Transcript and weakly on his Web site, www.RisingPun.com.
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