It is difficult to argue that nobody has sex, because the very argument offers the possibility that sex might exist. This admission goes against the puritanical Victorian ethic that our country is based on.
Generally speaking, people are supposed to deny the existence of sex, which is why babies come from storks. (The mother and father are just good friends who happen to sleep in the same room.)
American society relies on a traditional moral foundation that has no room for certain kinds of interpersonal behavior. If we were to admit the existence of -- let alone accept -- that sort of thing, society as we know it would collapse like an American car company.
Take abstinence-only sex education (please!). For years, this has been the main form of sex-education funded by the government, excluding most other programs. This works perfectly, but only as long as nobody has sex.
Unfortunately, some people (women) persist in having body parts that could theoretically be used for unapproved activities. This is why it is essential that women not be allowed to breast-feed in public. Although there is technically nothing sexual about feeding a baby, the parts used to do so are some of the same parts that could be used for recreation, and thus we must not acknowledge their existence, in order to keep America pure.
Of course, we still need to encourage sexiness on television. You need lascivious, scantily-clad models in commercials. And we should still continue
You might worry that oversexualizing women on TV might have detrimental effects, but conveniently, married men cease all desire for anyone but their partner at the moment they get married. That's why so many politicians argue for family values and traditional marriage; it's the only way to ensure that nobody has sex.
Take South Carolina governor Mark Sanford (please!). He was a big advocate for traditional marriage and decried gay marriage as a threat to family values. And it's because of those family values that he told his wife he needed time to be alone and write, when he actually needed time to be with his mistress in Argentina. Family values is about repeatedly saying that moral men only have desire for one woman -- even if you say it while you're en route to Argentina for the third time this month.
It's not easy to be strong and speak up for the moral majority when you've got your own desires. Senator David Vitter worked tirelessly on legislation in favor of abstinence-only education and defending traditional marriage while seeing a prostitute on the side. Senator Larry Craig fought against same-sex marriage while having a number of same-sex encounters in Idaho. Senator John Ensign proclaimed on the Senate floor, "Marriage is the cornerstone on which our society was founded" and revealed two weeks ago that he had an affair with one of his staffers. Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Mark Sanford -- the list goes on and on.
These brave men are fighting the most difficult of battles. They can remain steadfast in their moral high ground only by denying the existence of any sex outside of a traditional marriage between a man and a woman -- no easy feat when you are living proof of the contrary. If we admit that sex exists, then people might start talking about it, and before you know it, people would be accepting human body parts or even desire as a natural part of life.
This must not be allowed to happen. Our puritanical Victorian morality demands that we continue denying our instincts until the repressed desires break out in scandal. Only by demonizing anything sex-related that is not in a traditional marriage can America remain safely repressed.
So start pointing fingers, and remember: Nobody has sex.
Seth Brown is the author of "Rhode Island Curiosities," the creator of GodToVerse.com, and denies the existence of sex. His column appears weekly in the Transcript and weakly on his Web site, www.RisingPun.com.
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