Have you ever found yourself just stepping out the door when you get an urgent telephone call from President Obama, asking you to join him and Michelle for dinner at the White House because he is impressed with your table manners?

I didn't think so. That's because you need the expert advice of a Doctor of Mannerology (D.M.). Luckily for you, I happen to be such a doctor, according to the certificate which I created for myself. And I'm here to share my wisdom with you, the ill-mannered masses. Let's move right on to your letters:

Dear Dr. Manners,

I was invited to a baby shower last week, and my wife suggested we purchase a gift. Are gifts really necessary for baby showers? And if so, what kind of gift should we get?

--Childless in Chicopee

Dear Childless,

Your wife is wrong. What would women know about babies? A gift is completely unnecessary because the baby is far too stupid to know the difference whether it gets a gift. You could always pretend that your car keys are a gift and then return them to your pocket. The baby will be none the wiser, especially if it is not yet born.

However, there's no point in arguing with your wife over such a trivial matter. If she insists on a gift, you should bring something appropriate for a baby shower, like a very small towel (maybe just a washcloth). Tiny bars of soap also make great gifts because they are the perfect size for a baby shower and also available for free at most

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hotels.

Dear Dr. Manners,

My neighbor likes to roll down his car windows (or just leave the car doors open) and then play really loud music from his car stereo while it's parked in the driveway. It's very loud, even when I'm inside my house with my doors closed, and is starting to bother me. Should I tell him he's being inconsiderate, or would bringing up the subject be rude?

--Flummoxed in Florida

Dear Flummoxed,

Bringing up the subject would be rude indeed, because your neighbor isn't doing anything wrong. By playing very loud music outside next to your house, your neighbor is signifying that he does not acknowledge the boundary between his personal space and the common space you share. Rather than chastising him, you should simply accept his decision and feel free to relax in his car and make yourself at home (although you'll probably want to put in some earplugs first).

Dear Mr. Manners,

I just got married last month, and already my mother-in-law is driving me crazy. She wants us to come by and visit every week, but as soon as we show up, she talks almost exclusively to my husband and ignores me. I get the feeling she doesn't like me, especially because she always brings up what a nice young lady my husband's previous wife was. Do I have to keep visiting week after week, or can we take some time off?

--Newlywed in North Adams

Dear NINA,

First of all, it's "Dr. Manners." You don't see me calling you "Engaged in Egremont," do you? Well then, let's all agree to keep up with recent events; I'll acknowledge your marriage, and you'll keep in mind my doctorate in mannerology.

Now then, to the matter of mother-in-laws: You are not expected to like your mother-in-law. Did you know that "mother-in-law" is an anagram of "woman Hitler?" (It's also an anagram of "nail the worm," but this is less frequently cited.) Left to their own devices, few women would visit their mothers-in-law, which is why there have to be laws that require your visits. (She isn't your mother-in-option).

However, like speed limits, some laws are made to be ignored. When you are driving to visit your mother-in-law, look around and see if you see any police cars. If not, feel free to speed up and go out for a nice dinner and a movie instead.

Seth Brown, D.M., is the author of "Rhode Island Curiosities," creator of GodToVerse.com and rarely invited to fancy parties. His column appears weekly in the Transcript and weakly on his Web site, www.RisingPun.com.