"Please state your name for the court."

"Your name for the court."

"Permission to treat the witness as hostile?"

"Hey, OK, OK, it's Seth Brown."

"Mr. Brown, you were sick to your stomach last weekend, were you not?"

"I was."

"Would you say that you enjoy being sick to your stomach?"

"No. And I wish you wouldn't bring it up, because last weekend I brought up--"

"Mr. Brown, would it be fair to say that you dislike being sick and would seek to avoid it?"

"Absolutely. I am sick of being sick."

"You stand here today accused of--"

"I'm sitting, actually."

"--causing yourself stomach illness. Do you deny these charges?"

"Absolutely."

"Your honor, I present as Exhibit A, this refrigerator. Let the record show that it is a fully functioning refrigerator, even though it is not currently running."

"If it were, I'd have to go catch it."

"Mr. Brown, would you say the purpose of a refrigerator is to preserve food?"

"Yes."

"So, if you were to place food into a refrigerator, you would expect it to be preserved."

"Yes. Especially if it was jam, in which case it would be preserves, too."

"Please just answer the questions. Did you, or did you not, on the evening of Sept. 18, consume some leftover saffron seafood risotto from that refrigerator?"

"Yes I did."

"And how would you describe the flavor of that risotto?"

"I would have to say that it was

Advertisement
delicious."

"Was this the same risotto that was originally cooked on Sept. 11, containing scallops, squid, saffron, mushrooms, onions, garlic, butter, cheese, wine and rice?"

"Yes."

"Were you at any point concerned about the longevity of the aforementioned ingredients?"

"Well, I smelled it."

"And what did it smell like?"

"It smelled like wine and garlic and delicious food."

"Let the record show that my client has confirmed that the risotto smelled like perfectly healthy and consumable versions of its principal ingredients and had no reason to suspect anything was wrong. The defense rests."

"Prosecution may cross-examine the witness."

"Thank you. Your Honor, I submit to you that the accused, Mr. Brown, had every reason to be suspicious of the seafood saffron risotto. Mr. Brown, you say that you smelled the risotto."

"Yes, and it smelled fine."

"Why would you say you smelled the risotto?"

"I wanted to see if it was still good."

"So you had reason to believe it was no longer good?"

"I couldn't remember when it was from."

"But in reality, Mr. Brown, the seafood was originally cooked on Sept. 11, and the date of your consideration was Sept. 18, is that correct?"

"Yeah, but it smelled fine."

"Mr. Brown, I submit that the reason you smelled the food is because a reasonable person would have doubts about the wisdom of eating seafood that was cooked over one week ago."

"Well, seven days without seafood makes one weak."

"Mr. Brown, I further submit that your girlfriend specifically expressed doubt over the wisdom of consuming the risotto."

"Yeah, but she also expresses doubt over my other great food ideas, like haggis burritos, and pineapple coconut crab ice cream."

"And how was that ice cream?"

"That's not the point."

"Mr. Brown, earlier this year, did you contemplate eating a tin of bull liver pate that was over two years expired and clearly contaminated with white spots?"

"Objection! Irrelevant!"

"I'm trying to establish a pattern of blatant disregard for personal safety when food is concerned."

"Objection overruled."

"Answer the question, Mr. Brown."

"I didn't eat it."

"But you considered it. And you have, on numerous other occasions, eaten leftover food of indeterminate origins, have you not?"

"Maybe ..."

"Mr. Brown, are you feeling all right?"

"Actually, I had some white Russians the other night at a Big Lebowski party, which may have been a bad idea since alcohol often makes me sick."

"When you say the other night, do you mean the night directly following your recent illness?"

"Yes, but, uh ... the dude abides?"

"The prosecution rests."

Seth Brown is the author of "Rhode Island Curiosities," the creator of GodToVerse.com and hopefully feeling better by the time you read this. His column appears weekly in the Transcript and weakly on his Web site, www.RisingPun.com.