Few things are more annoying than a cell phone that goes off in the middle of a performance. And I'm not the only one fed up with it.
Last week, Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig were starring in a Broadway production of their play "A Steady Rain," and in the middle of the play, a cell phone in the crowd goes off. Hugh Jackman, staying in character, manages to tell off the offending party. A few minutes later, another cell phone ring is heard, and this time it's Daniel Craig, staying in character, who tells off the audience member.
This is awesome. I am not familiar with the play "A Steady Rain," but I love the idea of actors responding to people's cell phones in character:
Hugh Jackman as Wolverine: "Hey Bub. I don't like cell phones. I especially don't like cell phones that ring when I'm talking." *snikt* (Wolverine's claws flash out.) "Get the point? Now why don't you turn that off, or this X-Man is going to make you an ex-phone. ‘Nuff said."
Daniel Craig -- or better yet, Sean Connery -- as James Bond: "You there, in the audienshe! It shertainly sheemsh like your shell phone hash gone off. You'd besht be careful, or I might have to go off ash well."
Vladamir and Estragon, from "Waiting for Godot":
"Is it him?"
"It's not likely to be him."
"We were to wait."
"Until he comes. Not until he calls. We have no phones."
"We do not."
"Completely phoneless."
"As everyone is."
"As everyone should
"Aside from rude people."
"Who shouldn't have come to the theater."
"But they have."
"Nothing to be done."
Rick Blaine, in "Casablanca": "Of all the playhouses, in all the towns, you interrupt mine."
Clemenza, in "The Godfather": "When you go to the theater, leave the phone. Take the cannoli."
And of course, "Hamlet":
To speak, or not to speak, that is the question.
Whether ‘tis nobler on the stage to suffer
The rings and hellos of outrageous morons
Or to take arms against a network of mobiles,
And by opposing end them? To "Hi!" to peep --
No more; and by a peep to say we end
The silence, and the lack of audience talk
That plays are shared through -- ‘tis a conversation
I doubt we would have wished. To "Hi!" to peep --
To peep, perchance to scream: Ay, watch it, Bub;
For in that peep we know what screams may come,
When you have just shrugged off this play you've spoiled,
This gives us pause. Where's the respect?
You earn our enmity with "So long, wife!"
For who would hear the quips you made this time,
The confessions long and proud while we're fuming?
I'll hang your despis'd phone, with no delay.
The insolence of others, and it burns!
My patience endeth, and your phone I'll take,
And I myself might my quiet time make
With your phone broken. Who would these yokels hear,
Who grunt and yet their phones come to life?
They need the dread of something just like death.
The undiscovered courtesy might be born,
No ringing will return. Muzzled, it will
Allow us rather to hear those trills we have
Come to see on stage, not those we care naught for.
Let cell phones not make cowards of us all.
And thus I make for you a resolution:
If you hear mobiles while this frail cast is caught
In enterprises of great hits and moment,
Have some regard. Those cell phones, take away;
Don't lose your aim of action.
Soft you now!
Unfair AT&T! Wimps with your Verizons!
Be all your phones dismember'd.
Seth Brown is the author of "Rhode Island Curiosities," the creator of GodToVerse.com, and still hates cell phones. His column appears weekly in the Transcript and weakly on his Web site, www.RisingPun.com.
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