Some days, I'm not quite sure what to write about. I'll just sit at my computer, waiting for a sign of some sort, or maybe a -- *ringringring* *ringringring* "Hello! I'm with from the Scott Brown for Senate Campaign. We just want to let you know that Scott Brown is running for Senate, and you should vote for him."
Oh right, politics. I guess that's been on my mind lately, what with the big Senate race, and the incessant robo-calls from the Scott Brown campaign. It seems like it was just the other month that we finished our mayoral election. And with Dick Alcombright now taking over as mayor, faced with the task of trying to improve North Adams and the lives of everyone in it, it can't be an easy job.
On the other hand, there are probably mayors who have an even more difficult job. And I guess the biggest one that comes to mind is Mayor McCheese. You know, Mayor McCheese, of McDonaldland. Now that's a mayor who has a lot of difficulties to overcome. First of all, he's got a giant cheeseburger for a head.
*Ringringring* *ringringring* "Hello! This is Curt Schilling from the Scott Brown for Senate Campaign. Scott Brown is my friend, so if you like baseball, you should vote for him."
Where was I? Oh yes, mayor with a giant cheeseburger for a head. That kind of birth defect can't make being a career politician any easier. But that's only the start of McCheese's problems. In spite of being the mayor, all the decisions
There's a huge employment problem. In fact, the job market is so bad, the best place to work in his city is McDonald's. And everyone says he's soft on crime because the same criminal keeps stealing everyone's hamburgers.
Everyone knows that the Hamburglar is guilty. He's even called the Hamburglar. But McCheese won't execute him because he feels sorry for him. After all, when you've got someone who was released from the mental asylum where he should have been kept, and doesn't speak enough English to hold down a job, what are your options? It's as bad in McDonaldland as it is in North Adams.
*Ringringring* *ringringring* "Hello! This is a poll from the National Organization Against Gay People. Press 1 if you believe that gayness should be illegal. Scott Brown will help make that happen. Press 2 if you have no morals."
And the worst part about the Hamburglar is, he's not just a thief; he likes to steal things that look like the people's heads. So Mayor McCheese has a cannibal thief on the loose who is a repeat offender. And he'll never catch him because, rather than hiring a competent police force, the usual political nepotism is at work, and he just hired his cousin.
That's right, I'm pretty sure Big Mac, the chief of police in McDonaldland, is related to Mayor McCheese. They've both got hamburgers for heads. Which will probably make it tricky for Big Mac to solve the case, if his head gets stolen.
*Ringringring* *ringringring* "Hello! This is Curt Schilling again, telling you that Martha Coakley doesn't like baseball or America. You should vote for Scott Brown. I'm going to say his name a lot. Scott Brown, Scott Brown, Scott Brown. We'll have robots call you back in an hour to say his name some more."
I used to wonder if those political calls actually work, and I have to say, I am now completely convinced. Two weeks ago, I was feeling too lazy to go out and vote. But after getting literally 14 calls last week from the Scott Brown campaign, I changed my mind. Getting call after call for Scott Brown really motivated me.
So I went out and voted against Scott Brown.
Seth Brown is a local humorist, the author of "Rhode Island Curiosities," and dislikes phone calls. His work appears weekly in the Transcript and weakly on his Web site, www.RisingPun.com.
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