Wednesday September 7, 2011

Glossary for the younger

Card catalog: Before libraries were on the Internet, viewing webpages was much slower. Each webpage was printed on a card, and if you wanted to read a webpage card, you'd have to buy one from a mail-order catalog. Eventually, people got sick of waiting 4-6 weeks for each webpage to be delivered, and so they had to invent the Internet.

Duck and cover: People used to live with animals all the time, and it was not unusual for children to bring their pet ducks to school. However, the sight of a duck was distracting for a class, so children were expected to cover their ducks with a blanket, both to keep the children from watching the duck, and to keep the duck from getting over-excited by the children.

Encyclopedia: Ancient tomes containing many "facts" that are no longer true. Opening one of these dusty volumes will allow you read about everything from science that has been disproved, to countries that no longer exist. But there's no need for that -- the main purpose of an encyclopedia now is to decorate your house, and occasionally provide monitor risers so you can look up information online in comfort.

Slates and chalk: Primitive man would drag pieces of a soft, white rock to grind it against a harder, black rock, and leave trails of residue. Thanks to modern advances in technology, this is now only used for tracing -- generally dead bodies.

Slide rule:

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Back in the old days, the playground was a lawless place. People used to shove each other off of ladders and swings all the time. Realizing that some sort of order was needed, teachers imposed a "slide rule," dictating that once someone had mounted the slide ladder, you weren't allowed to push or pull them until they were sitting on top of the slide. At that point, if they didn't slide after 10 seconds, you were allowed to push them down the slide. Nowadays, of course, if someone is waiting on top of the slide, you can simply text them "Hrry up LOL"

Glossary for the older

Facebook: You may remember that when you were at school, you knew the faces of all your classmates, because in order to talk to them you had to actually spend time with them. These days, most kids interact with each other primarily through cell phones and computers, and don't actually see their friends in person. In order to remember what their friends look like, they need a special book of faces to match them up with the names.

Graphing calculator: You may remember when calculators became common, the wonder that a simple hand-held device could do complex multiplication and division for you, saving you lots of time. Calculators have since advanced even further, now able to draw graphs, solve algebraic equations, and make cappuccino. Scientists estimate that by 2050, calculators will simply attend math class for us.

iPad: The younger generation has grown up with television, computers, and cellphones, with the result that most of their lives are spent staring at a glowing screen. For young eyes raised in such an environment, it can be dangerous to spend any extended length of time not staring at a screen. For this reason, a portable eyepatch with a glowing screen, called the iPad, was invented. If a young eyeball is in danger of exceeding an hour without staring at a glowing screen, simply strap the glowing part of the pad over the affected eye.

Seth Brown is a local humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and is either an old young person or a young old person. His work appears weekly in the Transcript, and weakly on www.RisingPun.com.