So, three guys walk into a bar. There's Rick Perry, an Alzheimer's patient, and, uh ... hold on ... I forgot the third guy ... there's Rick Perry ... an Alzheimer's patient ... I can't name the third one. Sorry. Oops.
As some of you may have seen last week, Rick Perry is getting a lot of criticism for having a moment of forgetfulness, just because he can't remember his main ideas and beliefs. I think this is totally unfair. I've been following Rick Perry's campaign, and I know what he believes in. I'd be much more worried if he could remember his main ideas and beliefs.
Then again, this doesn't necessarily set him apart in the Republican primary debates. It's like a tiny clown car at a circus: I'm not sure whether to be amazed at how many clowns they have, or disappointed because I'm still waiting for someone who might run the show.
With Rick Perry on the decline, the recent frontrunner has been Herman Cain. This in spite of his foreign policy expertise that consists of worrying that China may soon develop nuclear technology, and not knowing the capital of U-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan.
But the sexual harassment and sexual assault charges are a serious threat to Cain's candidacy. Even some of his supporters have started backing away, rather than rioting in the streets to support him. I'm sure this has caused Herman Cain to look back at some of the decisions he made and wish he'd done something different -- like coach
Still, you have to respect Herman Cain for sticking to his guns. Regardless of the media frenzy around his scandals, Herman Cain laid out his plan last week in this actual quote from his website, HermanCain.com: "I have continued to do everything else that our strategy proscribes." At first, I thought this was a typo. Surely, Cain meant that he would follow whatever his strategy "prescribes," which means "sets down as a rule," rather than "proscribes," which means "forbids," But then I realized that the "o" and the "e" are nowhere near each other on the keyboard, so it couldn't be a typo.
And then, I had discovered the secret to Herman Cain. He's going against his strategy, because he wants to be a maverick! Sarah Palin got a lot of mileage out of the maverick reputation, and the Cain Train is now taking the track less traveled.
I'm not convinced he can win. But who else have we got, Rick Santorum? People who aren't familiar with him can Google "Santorum," and they'll learn more than they ever wanted to know.
Santorum has gone on record as being strongly opposed to contraception and birth control, which I think is an interesting tactic given that a huge percentage of American women find these useful to avoid unwanted pregnancies. He's obviously not looking for votes from women who have sex with men, or men who have sex with women.
You might think this means he is courting gay voters, but Santorum is strongly opposed to gay marriage. So clearly he does not expect votes from men who love men or women who love women. As far as I can figure, Santorum's target voting bloc is people who have gay hate sex.
With this year's slate of candidates, the GOP has done something nobody thought was possible: Making us miss John McCain.
Seth Brown is a local humor writer and the author of "From God To Verse." His work appears weekly in the Transcript, and weakly on www.RisingPun.com.