The nine Supreme Court justices have kept quiet for more than two months about how the high court is going to rule on the constitutionality of President Barack Obama's health care overhaul.
"We decided this a while ago," said Chief Justice John Roberts. "But it's much more fun to make people wait. We also already decided who will win this year's presidential election, but we're not telling you that either."
* Speaking of the Supreme Court, they recently released a ruling that significantly scales back the FCC's censorship authority. They have found it unconstitutional for the FCC to fine TV broadcasters who air obscenity during daytime hours. The best part about this ruling is that we no longer have to call it the FCC, because we're finally allowed to say the words that each of those letters stands for.
* Tropical Storm Debby threatened to spawn more tornadoes Monday as the stationary cyclone pummeled the Gulf Coast with fierce winds and heavy rain. Meteorologists are hoping that the storm will stop ravaging Florida and not cause any further devastation. Headline writers are hoping the storm passes through Florida and makes it all the way to Dallas.
* The Muslim Brotherhood's Mohamed Morsi proclaimed himself a leader "for all Egyptians," after being declared the winner of Egypt's first free presidential election
* This 71-year-old Canadian-born game show host is recovering in a Los Angeles hospital after a mild heart attack on Saturday. Who is Alex Trebek?
* North Korea on Monday called the use of its flag during U.S.-South Korean military drills last week a serious provocation and evidence of U.S. hostility that justifies the growth of Pyongyang's nuclear arms program. A spokesman for the U.S. military apologized for using the flag and has promised to replace it with a picture of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.
* Lonesome George, the last remaining Galapagos tortoise of his kind, died on Sunday of unknown causes. He was in the middle of a short walk that he had started in 2009. When the zookeeper was asked if taking care of a tortoise had affected her life in any way, she replied, "No ... I ... think ... not ..."
* Massachusetts Republicans have disqualified over a dozen delegates to the National Convention in Tampa for failing to deliver in time a sworn affidavit that they would support Mitt Romney's nomination for president. This happened because Ron Paul supporters swept the caucuses in April, but Mitt Romney had already decided which delegates he wanted. Romney has explained that he wants no hard feelings from the disqualified delegates, and has said, "I want to treat them with as much love and respect as I would treat a beloved family pet," adding, "Although it's possible I need a bigger roof rack."
* Alan Turing, the British mathematical genius and code-breaker born 100 years ago on June 23, may not have committed suicide, as is widely believed. New research has led experts to believe that another person may have killed him, although his murderer could just be a highly advanced computer that we think is a person.
* Massachusetts legislators are considering a ban on the use of handheld phones while driving. Opponents complain that it's even more dangerous to try to text with your feet.
Seth Brown is a humor writer, the author of "From God To Verse," and will try anything to make reading the news less depressing. His work appears weekly in the Transcript, and weakly on RisingPun.com.