Thanks to Fox News, there is some discussion of a "War on Christmas" in our country. This is an idea that America somehow gives insufficient respect to the holiday of Christmas, an idea that I think is preposterous, given the endless weeks of Christmas decorations, music, festivities, advertisements, fruit bats, etc., that are inescapable during this entire season.
But there is a war going on. And I don’t mean the war in Afghanistan, or the war on drugs (although now that the election’s over, maybe Obama could end those?), but a war that is being waged against a holiday enshrined in American tradition.
I’m talking about the War on Thanksgiving. Don’t pretend you haven’t noticed it. Thanksgiving is a national holiday where all Americans come together with their families and friends. Or, at least it was, until this terrible assault began. And do you know who I blame for the war on Thanksgiving? No, not Obama.
I blame Christmas.
Yes, Christmas has launched an all-out assault on Thanksgiving in an attempt to destroy the American way of life. And how convenient that Christmas has been quick to claim, "Oh no, I’m just defending myself, there’s a war on me, and so anything I do is totally justified." This is complete balderdash easily discounted by the facts. Has Thanksgiving ever done anything to hurt Christmas? No. Has Thanksgiving rammed its traditions down the throat of Christmas? No.
But Christmas sure has done that to Thanksgiving. Don’t believe me? Why not pop down to City Hall this evening, where you might notice that North Adams has decided to light a gigantic Christmas tree -- a gigantic Christmas tree lighting where hundreds of people show up to watch Santa Claus himself arrive and hand out gifts and candy canes.
ON THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING.
Why are we not lighting a 30-foot turkey and handing out stuffing and cranberry sauce? I’ll tell you why: The War on Thanksgiving is crushing our American holiday. Even with Christmas over a month away, it has reached out its hideous tinseled tentacles to take control. In spite of the fact that Thanksgiving, a major national holiday, is happening tomorrow, you’re more likely to see Santa Claus than Squanto. The War on Thanksgiving has taken its toll.
Perhaps, you think, the War on Thanksgiving may have ruined our pre-holiday festivities, but surely we can bask in the warm afterglow of Thanksgiving, right? Wrong! The day after Thanksgiving has suffered a relentless assault from the forces of Christmas, and we memorialize this suffering with a day called "Black Friday," where we mourn that the idea of giving thanks for what we have was roundly defeated by the idea of being so eager to buy Christmas presents that people are literally trampled to death in stores attempting to buy things on sale. This actually happens every year.
But is Christmas content with that victory? No, they must continually drive the borders further and further. Ruining your post-Thanksgiving sleep by starting Friday’s sales ever-earlier ... 6 a.m., 4 a.m. In most stores across the country this year, Target has decided to start their sale at 9 p.m. on Thanksgiving night, to entice shoppers to abandon the holiday. Toys R Us and Walmart are opening at 8 p.m. to ruin Thanksgiving for their workers.
We must stop this War on Thanksgiving. So if I fire shots against Christmas, it’s self-defense.
Seth Brown is a humor writer, the author of "It Happened In Rhode Island," and believes in Thanksgiving all year long. His work appears weekly in the Transcript, and weakly on RisingPun.com.
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