I feel it's my civic duty as a married man of 22 years to share with the men of the nation just how to have a long-lasting relationship. Am I an authority? No. Just some regular guy who has been through the whole shooting match, with a desire to share his experience of how to capture and keep that savage beast, known as woman.

First of all, never allow her to purchase one of those newfangled dishwashing machines. This way, after her seventh beer, you can always tell the other folks at the bar that your dishwasher is already loaded.

While out at the bar, always dance with her. Even if there is no one else in the joint dancing, just cozy on up to her and spin her around by the pool table. For some reason, females think this is special, not to mention that the other females in the place will think you are cute, wishing that you were theirs. (Remember: That could very well happen if your woman has that eighth beer, so dance like John Travolta.)

Be a gentleman and always put the toilet seat up and down per her instructions. But, just so she thinks she married a real man, sprinkle the seat with droplets of water after washing your hands like your mother always told you to do. This, not only messes with her head, it will give you something to talk about on a boring Saturday night. But, as in all cases regarding marriage, never admit the truth, protecting those unfortunate men who are dim-witted and just can't grasp the concept of lifting that stupid seat up

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and down.

After the 15th year of marriage, your wife will want to talk about death. Avoid this topic like herpes. For some reason men are incapable of sparing the wife's feelings with lies during a conversation about this topic. She'll ask about your plans if she should go first. She'll be adamant about this and will cite her whole medical history, trying to convince you she will, in fact, go first. Your mind will race with fantasy, but remember it's a trap, so don't trust her. She is attempting to find out that you plan on dating three months after you drop her into the cold, cold ground. Just keep that warm thought in the back of your head and hope for the best, knowing there is some other woman out there wanting to get you "back in the saddle" after the wake.

If your wife has had a tubal ligation, never tell your friends that Bob Barker sent you an autographed picture of himself for getting your pet spaded or neutered. Trust me, your wife won't think this is funny, and it's not worth the price of your buddies' screams and laughter.

After a family party at your in-laws, your wife may ask you about her sister and that really short and revealing dress she was wearing. Don't go into detail about how you purposely sat across from her, watching her intently trying to balance a paper plate full of ziti on her lap while trying to remain ladylike. (This impossibility is a proven fact, by the way.) Never mention how those shoes accented her legs perfectly, how her thighs were without cellulite and how her calves would make a cowboy proud at a rodeo. Don't go into detail about how her legs were tan and lean, not to mention hairless. Say how you were too busy hitting on her cousin to notice. Trust me, not noticing her sister's legs will make her putty in your hands when you get home. This works every time, so hold on sailor, you're in for one wild boat ride.

Your wife will often talk of old boyfriends in an attempt either to get you jealous or for you to reveal intimate facts about your old girlfriends. Don't be a rookie, going into detail about how you once cruised through the bars, swarming over anything that made eye contact (regardless of size). Remind her how you were studying for a career in the ministry when the two of you met and how she showed you the wicked, lustful ways you now enjoy over the Internet. Trust me, she will buy this story as if it were the latest Harry Potter novel.

Remember, the most important thing to having and keeping a long-term relationship is a sense of humor. Laughter is a warming emotion, and if you can laugh with each other, you will be able to survive that moment when the mail arrives with a family picture of you bug-eyed, staring at your sister-in-law's fantastically shapely legs.

Johnnie Carrier of North Adams is a freelance humorist and has been married for 22 years this week. Congratulations Dawn: You are the record holder.