Yes kids, it's once again time for that magical moment that we call the Johnnie Carrier Mailbag. Let's check out what you, the reader, have on your mind. And I do mean you, the reader, since the mailbag contained only one stinking letter:
Dear Johnnie,
I hate my job. But I was raised not to be a quitter. Is there any way you can give me ideas on how I could get myself fired?
Your pal and loyal reader,
Frustrated on Central Avenue in North Adams
Dear Frustrated,
Let's hope you have another job to go to because finding a new job around this area is as tough as finding a virgin on a college campus. Trust me, even though my wife won't let me confirm this.
Please remember, jobs are all meant to be hated. If a job was meant to be anything but work, it would be called playtime. Overtime would be extended fun, and you would want to spend every waking hour at the funhouse.
All that said, there are many time-tested things you can do to get fired, depending upon the type of job you have. Because you have failed to include the nature of your work, I will give you a few examples, with hopes you can identify the closest one with the field you work in.
If you are an office worker, better known as a suit and tie guy, you need to wait for that special moment when you and your supervisor are working alone on a project. The technique to use here is what I call the face slap. At the right time, ask your supervisor if he or she is as
If your boss is female, mention her body. Of course, you'll need to endure listening to the blah-blah-blah known as sexual harassment in the office place -- and you could get sued -- but just stand your ground and admit you said it, and you'll be gone in one month's time.
If your boss is a male, don't worry; you'll be gone that afternoon. Unless, of course, the male supervisor is a closet Judy Garland fan, to which at this point, you may want to take one for the team (with the idea that you'll never have to do anything on that job ever again, due to his sexual harassment, which appears to be a two-way street).
So, all you have to do is lose your self-image and pride, something that happens on the unemployment line anyway.
One word of advice, before we proceed. With all the shootings at offices and factories these days, never exhibit wild, anger-based behavior. They will put you in the nut ward -- again. Instead, act bizarre! Mention to the floor boss how all the clocks are set at a different time. Ramble on about how it's making you uneasy. Sing at the top of your lungs or speak in a gibberish language all the time, no matter how silly you feel.
Here's a good one: Tell them you know they are watching you in the bathroom and you demand to see the tapes they have of the ladies room. If none of that works, mention to every employee who'll listen that your Super Bass Store hunting guide came in the mail, and you are compiling your order of ammo in your mind as you speak. You'll be gone by lunchtime with a nice severance package in your pocket, in hopes that you leave happy-happy.
Work around food? The surefire way to get canned from a restaurant is to dip a twirled up corner of a napkin into a catsup bottle and then stick it up your nose. This is especially effective with restaurant people who work with the public. Imagine a waiter or waitress coming out to greet you with a bloody nose. But remember, the people who work in restaurants are not the same happy go lucky folks that you view on the cooking channel. Chefs are generally insane and could react in kind to your behavior. So, be cool, little brother, when trying to get fired from an eatery.
Of course, no matter what the job is, you could always pull what I call "The Uncle Lee." That's when you get as drunk as you can as fast as you can while at lunch. Vodka is good; scotch is better. But whatever you drink, slab some on your face so they really smell it. Then go up to the biggest guy at your place of employment and pick a fight with him. If you are the biggest guy at work, quickly find the smallest and accuse him of sleeping with your wife, then deck him. They won't even offer you treatment, and you'll be gone.
Frustrated on Central Avenue, I hope this helps you out with your problem. And friends, if you would like to reach me with your situation or you are a college-age virgin upset with me over my virgin analogy, please fill up my mailbag at Ask Johnnie: johnniec5859@verizon.net
Johnnie Carrier of North Adams is a freelance humorist who tries to use his real-life experiences to help, not hurt. He is successful some of the time.
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