Dear Diary: It’s that time of year again, where people dress up and pretend to be things they aren’t and go door to door asking us for goodies.
Picking out costumes can be tricky. My friend Willard, he’d been saying for months that he was going to dress up as the Pope to make people forget about the whole dog roof thing. He even posted pictures where he was all dressed up with the hat and everything. But then a few weeks ago, he found out that most of the kids at school think the Pope is a lame costume, so then he said he was going to go as a hippie. So he posted pictures of his hippie costume that he wore a few years ago with the caption "Ready For This Year’s Halloween!" but he’s still sending messages to friends on his street saying he’ll be going as the Pope. So I’ll be curious to see what costume he actually wears on Halloween night.
My friend’s dad, Barry, is in charge of the party again this year. Some people are mad because last year he did this trick with some trained SEALS and they felt like he took too much credit. But Barry promised us that everyone was invited to the party and he wouldn’t ground people for no reason and make us stay inside and miss all the fun. Of course, it turns out that he keeps busting into our rooms and saying, "You’re grounded!" just because we had some candy we weren’t supposed to have. It seems like it’s really unfair, especially since we know that all the kids on the block eat that candy anyway, and he always ate that candy as a kid. But whatever.
My friend Gary is throwing his own Halloween Party, like he does every year, but nobody ever shows up. I always feel like this is a shame since he has better taste in music and decorations than either Willard or Barry, but my friends always say the same thing: "Going to Gary’s party is totally lame because everyone cool is going to be at Barry’s party or out trick-or-treating with Willard." And who wants to show up at a lame party where you’re the only one there? So none of my friends are going, but I’ll probably go to Gary’s party anyway, because he’s a cool guy and I’d really like to see it take off.
I feel a little bad for my friend Liz, because this guy in our class named Scott keeps putting notes in everyone’s locker saying "Liz Smells!" and then there was this really embarrassing picture of Liz from a few years ago that Scott made like a bajillion copies of and keeps posting everywhere. And if he’d just shared that picture once it’d be cool, but now he has his friends from out of town who keep printing that picture on notes that say "Liz Smells!" and putting them in our locker, and I’m pretty much sick of it at this point.
Anyway, Barry was suggesting we not even trick-or-treat, but just have robots do it for us and take the candy. And Willard suggested we not bother either and just have our parents buy us lots of candy. But I’m going anyway.
I’d write more, but I have to clean up. My friend Sandy just left, and she made a huge mess.
Seth Brown is a humor writer and author of the newly published book "It Happened In Rhode Island," now available. His work appears weekly in the Transcript and weakly on RisingPun.com.