Good Evening, with the "Week in Review," I’m Hale Bert.
Remember, this segment is brought to you by Head and Shoulders. During the age of war, pestilence and meteorological devastation, you never know when you’ll need a new Head and Shoulders.
In our top story this week, Bill Clinton endorsed disgraced Gen. David Petraeus for President in 2016. Not knowing a live mic was nearby, Clinton crossed the line.
"No one knows the world’s affairs better than David Petraeus. You know what buddy, I thought she was a little thin, but one man’s bitter and another man’s batter," said the former president.
Clinton was overheard with the grandson of the former Toastmaster Gen. George Jessel, during a state dinner honoring the late actor’s memory.
In other news, President Obama, speaking in a Rose Garden interview, said that he welcomed the secession of Texas in protest of his re-election to the highest seat in the land. Citing a loss in the new country’s Federal protection, the president told reporters:
"They’ll need an army, navy, air force and Marines quickly before Mexico invades again."
He continued that all Dallas Cowboy players would need passports for away games.
Arizona’s Sen. John McCain was back in the news this week when the former presidential candidate criticized President Obama’s choice of a wife.
"She smiles too much," the senator said from the Senate floor. "Heck, even I can do 25 pushups with the girls from the View."
The Senator later retracted his statement by claiming that he may have had a few cocktails and was only fooling around.
Citizens of a small Chicago bedroom community joined together by saying they will jump from the fiscal cliff if Congress and the President can’t get along and renew the Bush-era tax cuts by New Year’s Day.
"Our taxes will increase over $3,700 dollars a year. I make $8.78 an hour and I can’t live like a human being on that," said Doris Lenore, of Lovington, Ill., citing the need for a flush toilet.
"The family car is a ‘75 AMC Matador. Due to the donated clothes my son wears to school, he looks like Potsie Webber from Happy Days. I’m looking over the periphery and ready to jump should they allow these measures to expire," she added while protesting outside the federal office building in her hometown.
Government officials said they will drug test any protesters and automatically increase taxes by $3,700 on those who test positive.
In neighborhood news, local freelance writer Johnnie Carrier’s wife was in the news again. Dawn Carrier could face state and federal charges over her status for a February jury duty scheduling in Superior Court.
In an effort to delay the jury selection Carrier said, "I don’t do jury duty in the winter. I’ll go in June, but not during the cruelest month of the year."
Commentating on his wife’s future, Johnnie said, "It’s too bad because she’s a good juror. Last time she wouldn’t even talk about the case as the judge had sworn her to do. For Pete’s sake, I’m her husband. I should at least be able to formulate my own verdict. It would be a legal Price is Right." Carrier added, the game would consist of the winner guessing the sentence without going over.
In sport news, Eli Manning was treated for exposure to black mold from his washed out Hoboken home during Hurricane Sandy. Classic symptoms include weak arm, lazy plays and a weakening of one’s defensive systems. Unaware that there was a problem, Manning showed many of the symptoms including the inability to slide to avoid a tackle.
"I always thought black mold was only on French cheese," Manning said. He will continue to practice with the team as they get ready for their next game.
And that’s the Week in Review, brought to you by the over the counter blood pressure medication that you can trust. That’s right friends, if you have high blood pressure and can’t afford the co-pay because you have bad health insurance, then use Stress-a-Less. Side effects include weight loss, dehydration, and a loss of the ability to blink. Stress-a-Less does not prevent stroke.
Johnnie Carrier is a freelance writer and that’s the way it was. Goodnight, Chet.