Dec. 21 is the end of the world. Where is my charge card? I’m going to max it out and get the things I’ve always wanted but was denied by modesty, good sense or a bothersome wife. Since the end of the world is coming anyway, I’m going to live as if I were a rock star for the next few days until we are wiped out. Wiped out? By what?
Quoting a so-called official website steeped in information about the end of the world prophecies, "a very rare planetary alignment will occur during the winter solstice on December 21, 2012. At this time the entire Milky Way (including the earth and the sun) will align at a point that is known as the galactic equator. This alignment is so rare that it only happens every twenty five thousand years."
Stay with me, now. Nibriu, the mysterious Planet X, will also cross our Earth’s path during this galactic alignment, thusly giving us the potential for a real bad day. So open them Christmas presents early, my fellow babies, because Santa ain’t coming this year.
We’re talking a wide range of endings here -- from magnetic poles shifting and changing our rotation, to a gigantic Earth-swallowing solar flare. You know, average everyday things like that.
All of this fuss is over the fact that the Mayan calendar ends on that day. I would assume that after 5,000 years, they got tired of making up the calendar and quit not figuring that we would last this long. Who knows what it all means? But it has brought the nuts out, and I guess I’m one of them.
The Internet is full of websites that all claim to be official. Some are scientific and some scream doomsday. And then there are the ones that are just plain scary. Survival is the main theme. The best knives to have, the best food to store away and sexy clothing hints for the wife’s apparel in the bunker. Hey, if I can get the wife into something naughty it must be the end of the world.
It got me thinking, if it were all to happen, what I would need to survive? I’m not talking about missing Facebook. If we lose all communication with the world, what would you do? No power, no cell phones and no lightly toasted Pop Tarts. What would you pack away to keep you sane during the time when you are not hunting for food?
You would need flashlights, dried and canned food when hunting fails, ("meals ready to eat" would be best, but we’re not the Army) warm clothes and my wife’s crank radio. Someone with a generator has to be broadcasting out there. Books: Yeah, I’d take a few, but I’m not a big reader, so I would limit them to "Treasure Island," one on circus railroads (my favorite book), and the Bible. (I have to say that or my mother would come back and haunt me. Plus it’s a book that I’ve never read before, so that’s cool and should impress some chippie that also survived. Too bad I know how it ends.)
What would the end of the world look like should you be one of the survivors? The end of the world to me would look like an episode of the Twilight Zone. Blank streets corners, a terrified dog walking at a diagonal away from you. Stop this ride, I want to get off.
All of this is turning me into a frightened child. I know more then I should. I’ve been changed. Not into a believer in the end of the world theories, but into a thinking person with a vivid imagination. It’s not good for a person like me to have too much information. I’m now stock piling food and wondering what Zelda the Wonder dog will taste like.
Charge up the old credit card, drink in the last full days that we have here on Earth and get ready. Not for the end of the world, but to get ready to go to work on the 22nd. However, just in case, the first thing I’m going to buy is a generator. How else am I going to power my record player?
Johnnie Carrier is a freelance writer who hopes he goes in the first wave, only because he’s too lazy to rebuild.