Life is complicated. Short Answers isn't.
ALL CHOICES WORK FOR US
Dear Short Answers:
I gave a young but distant relative a generous gift, and three months later, have had no response. What should I think about that?
-- Annoyed
Dear A:
You can think anything you wish: 1) the recipient is ungrateful and unworthy of additional largess on your part. 2) The recipient is ill-mannered and report the lapse to a parent or partner (who likely shares the same bad habits). 3) Gift-giving is more about the giver than the recipient and take pleasure in your generosity. We do not judge your response. We have been there and our experience is that any option is as good as it makes you feel.
INDEPENDENCE FOR ALL
Dear Short Answers:
About a year ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair. When I confronted him, he admitted it. He was ashamed, humiliated and said it would stop.
I believe that he ended the affair, but I still couldn't get over it and forgive him. We agreed to stay married and think about our future, and I thought about moving out for a trial separation.
About six months later, I lost my job. Now I don't know what to do. I thought I had options, but now I either have to stay married or live on alimony. I don't want to be the victim. I want my own life, my independence and the ability to make my own decisions. But now I am stuck in a marriage on the rocks and
-- Feeling Helpless
Dear Feeling Helpless:
First, stop feeling helpless. You still have many options and some decisions to make. Do you still want this marriage? Many couples survive an infidelity and are stronger for it but it does take some work in understanding why it happened in the first place. Be prepared to do the work and take some responsibility as well. If you decide you do not want to be in this marriage, then go to an attorney and see what your real options are. And no matter what you decide, get another job. Grown-up people support themselves -- married or not.
OPEN A DOOR, BUT WAIT TO BE INVITED IN
Dear Short Answers:
I think a friend is ill, but as far as I know, she isn't seeking medical attention. Should I say something? What should I say?
-- Worried
Dear Worried:
Ask her if she is feeling okay. You might even say that she doesn't seem like herself is there anything you can do? If she doesn't take the bait, leave it alone.
ALMOST PERFECT
Dear Short Answers:
I just started dating this new guy, who I think is great: Smart, good looking, nice and totally into me. Only problem is that he's too nice, you know? I want him to be more aggressive. We've gone on four dates so far and I've planned all of them. I wish he would take the lead. How do I communicate this to him without hurting his feelings and potentially ruining a great relationship?
-- Hopeful
Dear Hopeful:
Although we totally get the instinct to leap into what appears to be a void, often, if you just wait and see what happens -- something wonderful does.
TIME FOR A CHANGE
Dear Short Answers:
How do you know when it's time to retire?
-- Tired and Grumpy
Dear T&G:
It is time to do something else when the work you do takes more than it gives. Maybe you need to find another career, or maybe you need to rethink your priorities. Either one can be energizing.
Send your questions anonymously on our website (www.shortanswers.net) or email them to thetranscript@shortanswers.net. Jeff Johnson has worked as a psychologist for New York State, New York City and the federal government as well as teaching at the graduate level. He is a Williams College alumnus and lives in Pownal, Vt. Paula Forman has worked as a professional "trend spotter" with high-profile clients such as Procter & Gamble. More recently, she taught sociology in the New York City university system. She lives and writes in Hudson, N.Y.
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