With "Star Wars: The Clone Wars," George Lucas succeeds in fulfilling a long-time goal — removing pesky actors from the filmmaking equation — and continues along the infantile, idiot-friendly path he trod so ingloriously with the "Star Wars" prequels.
The ugly-looking movie is a straightforward, unapologetic cash grab, taking footage intended to be part of Cartoon Network's upcoming "Clone Wars" TV series and slapping it together to lure in those few who haven't already torn up their fan club membership cards in disgust.
And if you're still buying the limited vision that George the Huckster is shilling after all these years and think that he's somehow going to deliver on the promises left hanging after "The Empire Strikes Back" 28 years ago, then, to paraphrase the immortal Jar Jar Binks: Mooey, mooey, me-sa thinks you-sa have some kind of battered-Jedi syndrome, okeeday?
You could make the argument that with "Clone Wars," Lucas is at least trying to tell a story that we don't already know. But that would assume that Lucas possessed even a rudimentary interest in storytelling, a premise challenged by every oppressive, CG-heavy frame of the three "Star Wars" prequels.
The "Clone Wars" events take place in the uncharted three-year time period between "Attack of the Clones" and
One such girl, Ahsoka Tano, ends up here as Anakin's apprentice.
Dressed like a Bratz doll and a hellcat with a light-saber, the headstrong Ahsoka fills a nice hole in Lucasfilm's merchandising line and, by calling Anakin "Sky Guy," further diminishes whatever danger the character once possessed.
Anakin and Ahsoka get in lots of battles — the torrents of their blazer blasts are exceeded only by the hail of blabby, expositional dialogue ever character must utter. The chief plot line involves the kidnapping of Jaba the Hut's larva-like, infant son — aka "The Hutlet," aka "Stinky" — to turn Hut against the Jedis. Said plot also includes Jaba's uncle, Ziro, imagined here as Truman Capote crossed with Blanche DuBois.
It's as if Lucas and Friends had sat around for an hour, spitballing ideas for a character worse than Jar Jar and, some guy off in the corner, finishing off a six-pack of Red Bull, blurted out, "I got it! How 'bout a cross-dressing, N'awlins drama queen? Kids will love that!"
Oh, mooey, mooey! And to think: There are already 30 "Clone Wars" episodes banked with at least another 70 planned. Watch them if you must. I'll be switching from the Cartoon Network to PBS Kids for the "Boobah" marathon. Gotta feed the mind, you know.
"Star Wars: The Clone Wars" is rated PG for sci-fi violence, brief language.
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