Hey, kids! It's time for costume advice with Crazy Uncle Seth! ... Now, there's no need to shout. I realize last time I told everyone to dress up in costumes it was apparently Columbus Day, and nobody else was celebrating.

Well, this is different. This is Halloween, a day when wearing funny costumes not only won't get people asking what's wrong with you, but also might get you free food! Golly gee willikers!

My favorite costume is a simple black robe and a square black hat. Many people wear this costume at the end of the school year. The costume has two main advantages. First of all, people will presume you are smart. This is very useful because if you are taking Crazy Uncle Seth's advice, you are going to need all the help you can get. Secondly, this costume can get you free food even when it isn't Halloween! Just show up at any college graduation in this costume, and people will give you food and congratulate you on your excellent costume.

Sadly, most costumes only get you free food on Halloween. But that's OK because Halloween is this weekend, so free food should be easy to get. If the weather is really bad, you can always stay home and trick or treat at your refrigerator. You at least get some food, and you don't even have to go outside. Still, all the really good candy is being given out by other people, so you will probably want a costume, just in case.

One option is to use costumes from current events. For example, you could buy a silver

Advertisement
balloon to carry on a string behind you and tell everyone you are actually inside of the balloon, and they should feel bad for you and give you candy. It totally works! Other kids may crowd around you and try to get in the way of your candy-seeking mission when they see how well your idea work. That's when you need a Roman Polanski mask. No parents will let their kids anywhere near you, and the space around you will just help you rake in the candy. Score!

Crazy Uncle Seth's girlfriend had a pretty good idea for a costume, too: Buy a mask of Ben Stein, the teacher with the monotone voice from that movie. You know the guy. Scary, right? Now buy a mask of Al Franken, the comedian who became a politician. That scares a lot of people, too. Now cut both masks in half and tape them together. Voila: FrankenStein!

Anyway, that may be too complicated for some people, so you can always go as primal fears. Death is a popular costume, as all you need is a scythe and a black robe. You can even reuse your graduation robe for this costume.

Remember, in the academic world, there are only two options: death and tenure. But death isn't people's biggest fear anymore. No, according to some surveys, people's biggest fear is public speaking.

That's why this year's scariest costume is a big podium with a microphone. It's a little heavy to carry around, but when you show up on someone's doorstep and your gang of trick or treaters all yell, "Speech! Speech!" the person at the door is bound to be frightened.

But maybe you don't have time for something like that. No problem. Just take this handy newspaper and separate all the sheets, then tape them all over your body. (Note: If you are reading this online, go purchase a copy of this paper and then tape it all over your body.) Be sure the most depressing headlines are right on your chest. Then you can go door to door as bad news. Even people who aren't afraid of public speaking are afraid of bad news.

If you have time, you can even write your own headlines, like "Local Family Receives Bad Luck After Not Giving Lots of Candy To Person With Bad News Costume."

Seth Brown is an award-winning humor writer, the author of "Rhode Island Curiosities," and still appreciates free candy. His column appears weekly in the Transcript and weakly on his Web site, www.RisingPun.com.