This election has an aftermath -- as any election does -- but thankfully, it’s more amusing than the one in 2000. It’s the kind of aftermath that inspires blogs like "White People Mourning Romney" (whitepeoplemourningromney.tumblr.com) to exist.
It’s not the disappointment on their faces that makes the effort so mesmerizing; it’s the surprise in their souls. The white people of the Republican party should listen to me more. I told them again and again and again that Willard would sink their optimism through his own bumbling awfulness, but did the white people listen to me? No. Dirty liberals like me know not of what we speak.
So I reserve this moment to laugh and do it very publicly.
I note that there were many firsts in this election -- first openly gay senator, first Hindu in Congress, first Buddhist in Congress -- but did you hear about the first Orc elected to any office?
That happened in Maine, when Democrat Colleen Lachowicz won her race for the state Senate, despite Republican concerns that her World of Warcraft alter ego was "disturbing" and raised questions about her fitness for office (bit.ly/RXtLwA).
"I’m a level 68 orc rogue girl. That means I stab things Š a lot," Lachowicz commented online. If she had said, "I’m a licensed hunter and I like to shoot things a lot," I have a feeling eyebrows would not have risen so promptly.
Oh, this is so good and a great symbol of either the Republican disconnect from the interests of real people or just their willingness to exhibit laughable desperation in lieu of any actual, electable talents of their own.
But why not an Orc? It’s a step up from what some people preferred against a Republican, as this rundown of Georgia ballots reveals (gaw.kr/RTQo6V).
Look at the other items that got the suggestion to serve in Congress over anti-science Paul Broun. Charles Darwin got 4,000 votes -- that’s 16 percent of the vote, more than Jill Stein ever dreamed of -- and he’s an un-American foreigner who did the devil’s work! Also getting mentions were a bag of rocks, a burning sack of excrement and some guy’s neighbor’s cat. Oh, and Optimus Prime.
For the losing Republicans, secession has been the only answer to the new tribulation being forced upon the once bright America (on-msn.com/SVrvFA).
Notice that all the states yelling to split are the ones that not only vote Republican, but are conversely the largest suckers of the federal assistance teat, which, of course, they oppose. I say, let them leave. Cut them off from those funds. The federal government will probably solve the deficit and have a surplus overnight, and we can watch the spectacle of third world countries springing up on our own continent in the same amount of time.
It would be preferable to watching the slow motion implosion of the Republican party that we are currently witnessing and give sane conservatives a chance to start again without the crazy in tow.
It would also finally allow me to disavow my southern roots like the spiritual immigrant I am.
Sane conservatives, read this good analysis of what you will be losing by losing those states (bit.ly/TJ23nj).
Meanwhile, all those scraggly, dirty, mooching, no good liberal bums from Occupy Wall Street have embarrassed themselves and us all by inflicting their efforts on the world as Occupy Sandy, (bit.ly/SVrCAX) and they thought we wouldn’t notice.
Too lazy to go out and get a job, they decided to save New York instead. They’re always looking for a handout, and now they’re helping others who might be looking for the same after their lives have been upturned by the storm. Damn effective do-gooders.
And in Occupy’s other wing, they have enacted the Rolling Jubilee (rollingjubilee.org/) in which they buy up consumer debt just like evil banks and investors do, and then forgive that debt. They’re starting with medical and plan to move onto education.
Their entire plan (read.bi/TGqkL5) is not only genius and revolutionary, but the best proof of a Republican talking point I’ve ever seen. Some efforts really are best left to the private sector -- at least, if the private sector involves scraggly, dirty, mooching, no good liberal bums like the Occupy movement.
Too bad all the states that hope to secede won’t be able to benefit from the effort.
John Seven is the Transcript’s arts and entertainment editor.