Thank you very much for the Ricin
The ultimate American crime has finally been committed -- an attempt to poison the president has turned out to be the result of a battle between two Elvis impersonators from Mississippi. Of course it has.
Can you think of a more American true crime case? Can you think of one that gets to the core of who we are more clearly? Not just hillbilly Elvis fanatics with tunnel vision, but hillbilly Elvis fanatics with tunnel vision who don’t care who else we bring down with us!
Turns out that the alleged culprit, James Everett Dutschke, is Š of course, you knew it was coming Š not only a Republican, but a former candidate for the party as a Mississippi state representative and, by all accounts, a frequent guest at GOP fundraising dinners down there.
And while he hasn’t exactly propositioned men for sex in public restrooms like so many others in his party, he has two court cases going on right now, one for allegedly molesting three girls under the age of 16 and one for exposing himself in public.
Oh, he’s exposed himself in public, all right, as a total idiot and another degenerate entrenched in the Republican party.
Republicans are a party of people who will knowingly do the wrong thing and actually hurt themselves just to prove a point that doesn’t make any sense anyhow, as shown in this report from National Geographic (bit.ly/12my33v).
The article details a study about the light bulb buying behavior of both conservatives and liberals when energy efficient light bulbs -- products that will save you money annually despite your political leanings -- are labeled as green products or good for the environment.
Liberals, it was found, are not more moved to buy the bulbs than previously, but conservatives can actually change their minds once they find out that these sinister bulbs were operating under an ideological agenda that they wished to distance themselves from -- you know, protecting the environment.
With that kind of logic dominating the Republican brain, it’s not hard to see how an Elvis-impersonator-turned-sex-offender-turned-attempted-assassin can become some level of mover and shaker within their party.
It’s the same sharp logic at work with their virulent opposition to Obamacare, which also highlights a prime Republican tendency -- if you don’t quite understand it, oppose it.
Second Amendment massacre
If you want to see the most damning data on what Republican ideas bring to the country, you need only look at articles like this one (bit.ly/18pi8oh) in which a 2-year-old girl in Kentucky was shot by her 5-year-old brother. The weapon used was a ".22 rifle the 5-year-old was given as a gift" known as a Cricket, a special gun for little kids.
"Just one of those crazy accidents," the coroner on the case remarked to the press.
Yeah, nutty. Whoosh. Things happen, don’t they? Like Republicans overwhelmingly rejecting any sort of sanity in regard to guns. This is your Second Amendment in action.
But there are so many Second Amendment victories out there to point out.
Here’s a 6-year-old girl who shot herself in the face last week while playing with her parents’ gun (bit.ly/103nUYU).
Here’s a 4-year-old who got shot in the leg by the family gun (bit.ly/YmrqlP).
Here’s an 8-year-old in Alaska who killed a 5-year-old during target practice (bit.ly/1303QuX).
Two children were among the dead in a family gun shooting in Illinois (bit.ly/ZmBQNu), which killed more people than the Boston marathon bombing even if it wasn’t committed by radical Chechen Muslims and didn’t involve explosives.
A sobering report about Denver gun crime finds children are 10 times more likely to die of gun injuries than anyone else, and people have nearly double the chance of dying by shooting than a car accident (bit.ly/YmrUbD). These statistics do not include Columbine or Aurora.
Take a look at this count that Slate maintains of all the gun deaths in our country since Newtown (slate.me/1031TbM) and make sure to note the number of children who appear on that list, which doesn’t compile injuries.
Every figure on that chart stands for a grave that Republican legislators are gleefully dancing on -- and as of this writing, that totals 3,775 gun deaths since Newtown.
So if you are every worried that the Second Amendment is not doing its job, it most definitely is. Its victory is a Republican victory.
John Seven is the Transcript’s arts and entertainment editor. He blogs at blogs.thetranscript.com/arts.