With the FDA approving cloned meat for America's dinner table a few years back, I decided to do a little research, and with a little digging, I found this press release from a company called Bio-Beef International:
America, your friends at Bio-Beef want you to know that great tasting beef, void of lustful procreation, is now available in the meat counters of your neighborhood market thanks to the Federal Food and Drug Administration and us, your associates at Bio-Beef.
That's right friends, farm-fresh milk and farm-raised beef are now a thing of the past, like the Walkman, cheap gas and casual sex.
Think of it: a succulent slice of veal, smothered in peppers and onions and a zesty Italian sauce. Relax, it's OK to eat our veal because it never had parents who wondered why the farmer took their baby calf away. We have milk so scrumptious and creamy you'll swear that God had something to do with it and not a Bio-Beef lab tech in a long white coat. And our special feature: You can get the same juicy and tender fillet mignon over and over again because we can genetically generate the same steer over and over again. Isn't technology wonderful?
Our secret formula is really no secret at all when it comes to high quality cloned beef and beef byproducts. We put the finest care in all of our cloned animals, so much so that you'll think they were made through natural selection straight from Darwin's handbook. Think of it, you'll be able to eat a juicy tasting steak that wasn't conceived in a barnyard with nosy farm kids watching. Your meal was made right here in our Bio-Beef lab, with our highly trained, geeky geneticists gawking and giggling with respectful joy because they are making dinner a BBQ straight out of the 21st century. Mmm, good!
With giving us their blessing, the FDA came on board with an assuring nod of approval stating that cloned beef presented no health hazards, no strange taste to get used to, and more importantly, it was a safe meal for vegetarians since cloned cows don't have souls.
While giving us permission to flood the market with Bio-Beef, the FDA also said we don't have to label our genetically created, bovine wonder food, so you'll never know when you are eating it. You'll never eat fresh-killed, corporate farm meat again and we'll guarantee it.
How do we at Bio-Beef do it? Our scientists place all the genetic materials in an egg with a mature cell containing the complete genetic code from the donor. Folks, this stuff is straight out of the Jurassic Park movie. The resulting animal is more than the donor's twin, it's a genetic copy destined for its own distinct fate.
Think of the meals you could serve at your next dinner party. Favorites like New York strip steak made in our Mexican lab, cheeseburgers with beef and cheese from the same cow, and our famous cloned beef and cabbage for St. Paddy's Day. Top it off with a glass of Bio-Beef milk that is as safe as mother's. For a full list of tips, recipes and half-life information visit great/tasting/chem.cow.com.
We here at Bio-Beef are proud that we can now mass produce cows to give the type of milk you want at a price you can afford, which means we can lay off all those illegal immigrants that work at milk processing plant and farms, allowing us to pass those savings on to you. We have cut out the middle man and can now ship directly to major stores all over the world. With products ranging from cheese so sharp it'll slice your mouth to all beef, un-natural casing hot dogs, you'll swear we've been around for years.
Don't put your hoof in your mouth, overcome the ‘yuck factor' and try Bio-Beef. We won't be a mad cow if you don't, but you'll be missing the best tasting genetically produced beef that once again is stamped proudly with the approval of Uncle Sam. That's Bio-Beef -- our sameness makes us different.
Johnnie Carrier is a freelance writer who thinks he could be a vegetarian if it wasn't for hot dogs and bologna.