If you really had to point to the biggest problem of our modern world, it would have to be the assault on manhood, right? More than Christianity, manhood is under siege by people who want to make us all namby pamby and light of the finger.
There are those on the frontline of this war and I’m here to give them the attention they deserve. Like Idaho Republican Cornel Rasor, who wants to do away with discrimination laws for fear he can’t retaliate if some gay guy shows up to work in a tutu. As they do. (bit.ly/11plKav)
At the same time that real men are being prevented from defending the world against gay fellows in tutus, the military is actually taking away a man’s job and handing it over to women -- yes, women will be allowed in combat positions now. (abcn.ws/16JMcMR)
Up until now, the he-man run armed services have done a great job of keeping women in their place -- why there are 19,000 sexual assaults in the military ever year, which means that every year, the soldier equivalent of a city bigger than North Adams is raped by other soldiers.
Republican Allen West succinctly linked the two issues: "I find it completely hypocritical for everyone to be up in arms about military sexual assault, but then want to cast women into high stress small unit combat elements. The objective is obvious: destroy the last bastions of American warrior culture all for the advancement of a misguided vision of fairness and equality. There is no equality in close combat." (bit.ly/15jOfUF)
You don’t think our manly-man Republicans have anything to worry about? Think again -- one moment a man shows up to work in a tutu and then it’s a slippery slope into madness. Like in Sweden, where it was recently reported that male nurses had taken to wearing skirts and dresses to work. (bit.ly/17mHZ5j)
What’s next? I can actually tell you -- now the Liberals of that country are demanding that men should sit down when they urinate. Like a woman! (bit.ly/102Htny)
I’m sure that most guys out there are thinking that someone will have to pry it out of their cold dead hands before they pee sitting down, but let it be known that they try to disguise this official state emasculation by claiming it is for hygienic reasons -- "it eliminates the likelihood of puddles and other unwanted residue," they say.
Not so fast, Swedes! A competing study out of Louisville, Ky., defends maleness by proving that standing up while urinating has nothing to do with the mess on the floor, that is actually created during the shake-off at the end of the act!
If there is any area that Republicans are working overtime to defend maleness, it’s with guns. That’s why it was extremely interesting to me while reading this article that points out that more children have killed Americans with guns than terrorists have by any means they choose to employ (bit.ly/17mHV5A).
Every month this year, a toddler has shot and killed someone, totaling 11 deaths this year. Ten of those shooters were boys.
The article tallies another 10 incidents where the shootings-by-child did not result in death, though three of them were by two-year-olds and apparently all of them by boys.
Another nine where the gun-toting killers were over seven years old are cited and all but one case involved boys. And in all the cases, including those that involved girl shooters, the guns were owned by careless men who left them lying around and accessible.
If it’s some kind of trade-off that the rapes and killings stop because men start showing up to work wearing tutus, I’m all for the tutus. In fact, I think the requirement for owning a gun should be you can only pack it while wearing a tutu. Pink. Does the gun override the tutu in the battle for your masculinity? Will you be back to peeing on the floor in no time?
As a white, Southern, Christian-raised, military brat male, I can assure you that the biggest danger to equality and safety are folks just like me. We’re writing the rules and it’s all about our delicate manhood. Ignore us, you will be better for it. Wear whatever clothes on your lower half that you feel like. Pee wherever and however you want. Don’t let human athletic cups like West and Rasor and other Republicans dictate what you do.
John Seven is the Transcript’s arts and entertainment editor. He blogs at blogs.thetranscript.com/arts.