By Johnnie Carrier
Call me a hypocrite, a sellout or a charlatan, but it’s true, I tell you, it’s true. Call me all the names in the book, but I did something I swore I would never do, and this time it has nothing to do with women’s clothing. No, I went and got me a gizmo phone. It’s an Apple iPhone 4. It’s black and has a nice blue protective cover on it.
And I feel kind of cool.
Ya see, I am a sellout because I like this stupid thing. I can go on the Internet looking at the weather forecast before I call in sick to work. I can gamble on my horses, which will finish fourth, and then I can take embarrassing pictures of me crying. It’ my new gizmo phone, sports fans, and I’ve somehow become Johnnie 2.0.
Let me tell you what the heck happened. This way, after finding out the facts, you’ll realize I had no other options. My old cell phone was a big, old, clumsy thang that could have had a string connected to the bottom as if it was a soup can. I couldn’t text because I was born with man thumbs. When I used to hitchhike, I had to use caution because my thumbs were so big they could get run over by a passing car.
I was talking to my sister with this antique when suddenly, my phone dropped out of my hands and onto the floor. I was shocked because I didn’t expect it, thinking I had a good grip on it. When I picked it up to apologize for making a racket, I was dismayed to find I couldn’t hear my sister. She sounded like one of the adults on a Charlie Brown cartoon. And that was the end of my old phone because like a kid from the 80s with a new boom-box, I blew the speaker, making it impossible to hear anyone.
So I went to my phone provider’s online store and found out that I’ve been due for a new phone since 2012. I looked at the selection and most of them are pretty expensive. But I found that last year’s models are cheap. So I purchased an iPhone 4 for 99 cents. I hit the order button as if I knew what I was doing. I ordered it with something called a two year plan, which Dawn said was OK. All I had to do was wait for the Wells Fargo Wagon to arrive with my brand-spanking-new gizmo phone.
First of all, I couldn’t get the dern box open. I struggled as if I was born with hooves at the end of my wrists with this box, which was taped up with some Nuclear-Age adhesive. The tape had defeated me as if it was another matchup between my man Eli Manning against Tom Brady. After using a blow torch to open the box, I found my beautiful uber phone. I was surprised by its weight, but I didn’t need any help lifting it out of the box.
I did ask my son for help in not only turning it on, but also how to operate it. His fingers flew over the phone as if he was an MIT kid doing math. I was lost in the movement as he did a finger ballet that led to my Facebook account. That was great, but let me see how to use it as a phone and message machine for texting. All of that was a push of a button once I got my contacts loaded on to my new Space-Age wonder. I went to the Internet and watched a Benny Goodman video on YouTube. I found apps for sports scores, news headlines and of course, a horse racing game.
If you have one of these phones, excuse me. It’s new and I’m excited over my new 99 cent toy. If you don’t have one, let me tell you something: The rest of the world isn’t wrong. It’s like a computer in your front pocket. Sure you say, "I don’t need a computer in my front pocket." But when it’s there, it’s a pretty cool gizmo.
Johnnie Carrier has sold out before in his lifetime. It was called the disco era.